Sorry About That

Well, God is still teaching me things and I am still learning. Thank goodness He is patient and gracious. Here is what I am working on this week. I am learning what a true apology involves. First, what it is not.

A true apology does not apologize for WHO you are. God made you on purpose. Yes, you have shortcomings, otherwise known as opportunities for growth and dependence on God. However, when you apologize for your character, you aren’t taking responsibility or working on growth. For example, when I say, “I’m sorry, verbal communication is not my strong point.” While the statement is true, I shouldn’t be apologizing for it. The “I’m sorry” can even be taken at “I’m sorry you don’t like it, and I’m not working to change it.” I have been hugely guilty of this one.

Secondly, a true apology does not apologize for circumstances beyond your control. We have all said, “Oh, I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well.” This is another one for me. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry you bumped your head outside.” My six-year-old enlightened me, “You weren’t there, mom. It wasn’t you. Don’t say you were sorry.” This really makes me think. He’s right, it’s not MY fault. Yes, I feel bad he was injured and I should seek to comfort and help, but to apologize? Doesn’t that just put the emphasis on me? Ouch.

A true apology does not seek to escape conflict. Oh, you know who you are, you conflict-avoiders. This is a big one for me. I tend to apologize before I even understand the problem. This can drive your spouse crazy, by the way. (My poor husband could write a book on this one.) This pseudo-apology just wants the problem and the bad feelings associated with it to disappear at soon as possible. This person apologizes for things that aren’t their fault. Henceforth, a solution does not occur, and often the problem resurfaces and you find yourself in a destructive pattern.

Yikes. Is there any hope? But of course. The true apology is out there and it involves four parts (at least that’s what I’ve discovered thus far).

A true apology is an acceptance of responsibility. It states what you are sorry for, and does not include any footnotes. “I’m sorry I broke the vase, but if you hadn’t put it there…” No, you broke it, you apologize. I’m sorry I broke the vase. I’m sorry I said those words. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I threw your Sunday School paper away. No excuses. Claim responsibility for your mistake.

Secondly, a true apology seeks forgiveness. When we do wrong (sin) our relationship with God is hindered. We seek forgiveness with him first, for that is where true forgiveness lies. After you have sought and received forgiveness from God, seek it from the person you wronged. Mommy is sorry she yelled at you. I’m sorry I punished your for something your brothers did, will you forgive me? I’m sorry I talked to Mom about that without asking you first. Even if your sister is so hurt, she refuses to forgive you, you have done your part. Here comes part three.

A true apology seeks restitution. I know I hurt you and I am sorry, how can I make it up to you? I would like to buy you a new vase. Can I help you draw another picture? Restitution is not always immediate and it is not a giant eraser. Hurtful words are like squeezed out toothpaste. They aren’t going to go back and they may be messy to clean up. Restitution just means you truly care and you want to do better. When my kids apologize for “hitting”, I tell them it means “it won’t happen again.” They are committing to a change in behavior, and hopefully a change in will.

Lastly, true apology seeks a solution. I am going to commit to watching my words so I don’t hurt you again. I am going to make sure I ask you before I throw your papers out. I don’t want to sin again. Like repentance, true apology involves a turn-around. So the next time you hear the words, “I’m sorry” escape your lips, stop and ask yourself if you are truly apologizing.

Well, that’s it. If you have any comments, I would love to hear them.